How We Grieve

by Nellie Yee


My friend Tamara once said that her cancer diagnosis was not a gift, but rather an awakening. I have found this to be true in my life as well. She was only 22 years-old when she died, and the wisdom she imparted is one of the things I will never forget. I first met Tamara at a younger adults support circle at Callanish, and I was struck by her openness, her beautiful smile, and the clarity of her words. Happily, we found ourselves on the same weeklong retreat in July 2018. 

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The retreat was utterly healing and transformative for both of us. We met a new group of younger adults and quickly the eight of us bonded, like long-lost sisters. Although we had much grief to share, we learned how to open our hearts and to honour our true selves. We learned what it felt like to be loved unconditionally. Our senses were awakened to the beauty of nature, the healing food and music and the joy of laughter amongst friends.

 After the retreat ended, the eight of us stayed in close contact. We live in different cities but we visit each other when we can. We text each other when there’s good news, or when we need support. In October, Tamara died while on the palliative care unit at VGH, and my friends and I needed support more than ever.

Grieving Tamara’s death has been confusing and filled with uncertainty--much like life after a cancer diagnosis, but more so. I felt alternately numb and overwhelmingly sad. At times, my mind felt clear but my body was wracked with fatigue, headaches, and physical pain. I sought out other people who knew her so I could talk about her and remember her. Each memory was tinged with love, pain and sorrow. My friends from the retreat made plans for a weekend away, and even if Tamara couldn’t be there, we needed some time together.

Our weekend started at the Victoria Callanish Healing Circle. What I craved was a road map for grief. What should I expect, for how long, and was I on track? Janie and Justine shared their experiences of grief, offering that there is no correct way to grieve, no prescribed books to read or homework to do in order to “get over it.” It’s okay not to know what grieving looks like. It happens quickly or slowly over time, and it will happen on its own. 

 Armed with these guiding words, we set out for our weekend out of the city. We rented a quiet house with a dramatic waterfront view. We sat outside wrapped in blankets with coffee and tea to watch the sun rise. We sat in the hot tub close to the ocean and watched the sun set. We walked on the beach. Anastasia drove us to see the local sights. Lise hopped out at a local farm and bought eggs for our breakfast. Stacey helped us pick out the tastiest treats at the coffee shop. We surprised Cheryl with gifts for her baby that will arrive soon. We texted and chatted with Ashley and Carmen who couldn’t be with us in person.

We set up an altar with Tamara’s picture. We talked to her. She kept us company. It was a comfort to have her with us. We played Cards Against Humanity and threw in some cards for Tamara just for fun. Her cards were overwhelmingly the funniest and she ended up winning the game. She always did have a good sense of humour.

Spending this weekend away turned out to be the healing balm that I needed. We were all hurting in our own ways but by coming together we found a way to help each other. In remembering Tamara together, we created a new memory of her, one that has lessened the burden of grief as we each find a way to carry on without her.

 

 Nellie Yee is a member of the Younger Adult Group at Callanish, and she will happily sit in any circle she can make her way into. She enjoys writing, creating things and spending time with her family.