by Catherine Courteau
I just read an essay about the fundamental difference between a peaceful death and dying in peace. The author argued that healthcare professionals put too much importance on achieving a peaceful death, in other words, making sure the patient is calm and comfortable, or at least appears to be calm and comfortable. The difference is that a peaceful death is valued by its external appearance, versus dying in peace can only come from within the dying person her or himself.
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This essay has made me think about the difference between a peaceful life and a life in peace. A peaceful life might have been the image I once wished to project. We are constantly bombarded in publicity and social media by families with teeth whiter than snow and exaggerated smiles stretched across faces, a trimmed golden retriever on a child’s lap sitting in front of a New England style house with presidential columns and flourishing gardens. Oh, the contrast between those images and my cramped apartment with my plants fighting for scarce sun and water, barely surviving amidst my everyday chaos.
Life is not peaceful. At least not in my experience. Dying plants mean I’ve been enjoying exploring B.C. on weekends. My minuscule apartment means I’ve been able to move to Vancouver and this is just the reality of this ridiculously expensive yet dreamy city. My “real-teeth-color” teeth mean I’ve been enjoying coffee every morning and I would NEVER trade that for a Colgate look.
I look back on my most memorable experiences and they’ve been all BUT peaceful. Real life is raw, dynamic and unpredictable, with ups and downs, chipped teeth, bruises from hiking, burns from learning how to cook, a sense of failure from abandoning learning how to cook. I want to be done with the covering up, the prepackaging, the “let’s not talk about it, it’ll ruin the evening.”
And yet, I look at my text and it is full of crossed-out words and desperate rephrasing attempts. So I guess even writing is not a peaceful endeavour and accepting that is a work in progress.
Catherine is a Palliative Medicine fellow at the University of British Columbia, after having graduated from Family Medicine at McGill University. Catherine has a long-term interest in narrative medicine, or, in Dr. Charon's words, in "honouring the stories of illness." She has co-led book clubs and writing workshops for medical students and health care professionals. She has participated in the Callanish writing series and a retreat (as observer) in Fall 2019. Away from Montreal, her home, she feels blessed to have found “her people” at Callanish.