by John Swanson
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We’re sitting on the love seat
watching Janine Jansen play Tchaikovsky's violin concerto in D.
At first her playing is melodic and sweet
As the concerto progresses
it becomes ferocious, driven, every brief note audible
even though you can barely see her fingers move
they move so fast.
The sound is pouring over us
from the concert hall speakers
a gift from the diagnosis,
its unknowable future.
My love is sitting close to me, rapt in listening
at first, barely swaying to the soft notes.
As the concerto progresses
she begins conducting
hands and arms moving abruptly.
Eventually
an almost epileptic whole-body response
arms swinging
body vibrating
I am carried along
galloping at her side
“We’re going to need a new love seat”
I shout over the glorious din.
As the music winds to its ecstatic end
and the audience begins its many curtain calls
we sink back exhausted, laughing.
“Thank you”, she says.
This is my beautiful bride
my lover and companion
these 53 years.
Here we are in this new phase.
A great release tonight.
How long will we have?
How long will we have?
Each day a gift
of pain or delight.
We turn toward each other fiercely.
John Swanson attended his first Callanish retreat in November of 2021, after being diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma in June of that year. The retreat was a magical experience, an instant community of people who understood cancer in its many forms, who listened well, and a staff who not only listened well but provided a healing and comforting environment we all bathed in. Callanish is such a unique community of safety and support. John attends the Meditation Circle most weeks and still meets with his retreat cohort on a regular basis. John is a poet and street photographer – his first book, an almost hand, beckoning – was published at the start of the pandemic.