by Lynn Buhler
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I lost my confidence to Covid
I learned to worry about things I never dreamt of
it’s so hard to put my finger on…to nail down
the hesitations
the inertia
the fear
having fun in a crowded room
listening to music all jammed together in a little club
singing in a choir
having people over
going to meetings
going to meditation
going out for dinner
going to parties … having parties!
travelling anywhere
going to classes and lectures
going to pilates
it’s heartbreaking to list all these changes
some have been recovered
the human touch –
people reach out again and hug – thank god
but the confidence to gather in crowds, to be in small places with many people remains a fear…
I have this new companion called caution
it’s annoying
it interrupts plans
it gets in the way of whims
it plays to my introvert tendencies
it messes with me… questions arise….
“am I too old to pull this off…?”
“are you sure you are strong enough?”
“what if…”
How would it be if my dear love was still here?
Would we egg each other on?
Would he be more cautious than me? It might be so.
We each had our strong suites
I’d like to think that he would get me into the crowded room to hear music…
and I’d get him on a plane to Asia.
But who knows?
The facts remain
I have this new companion of caution that messes with me
and I admit begrudgingly - protects me.
this cautious companion is less persistent
it is not arising everyday…
but it lingers and shows up unexpectedly
Lynn Buhler first came to Callanish with her husband James in 2012. The Callanish team and community offered love, healing and skills. For the past many years Lynn has volunteered in the kitchen on retreats, and participates in many Callanish programs.