by Mary Hatch
When I attended a Callanish Ceremony Retreat, I was very moved by one ceremony in particular.
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The participant prepared to go through the “doorway of death” by saying goodbye to her dear ones. I could not stop crying. I wondered how she had the courage and calmness to do this. I would have been so overwrought with worry. I could never let go of my perceived duty.
I thought that this would be a good goal for me. If I could do some work around this, I could walk through the “doorway of death”, too. I didn’t know how I would prepare for this, but I knew that such a reenactment was possible. The only problem was how would I prepare? What did I need to do?
On December 19, 2025, I got a chance to reflect on this idea. My heart went into arrhythmia. When it stabilized itself, my heart had stopped for 12 seconds. I was kept in the hospital for 17 days. My heart stopped again, the day before I received the pacemaker.
I didn’t need to rehearse a death goodbye. I was living it.
The very wonderful part of this is that I felt calm. There was nothing I could do about my partner, Garry, my son Tom and daughter Gloria.
We all live together. They all look to me for support and guidance.
When I was in the hospital, they had to figure out how to cope and get along without me.
I felt a new lightness, as if a burden had been lifted, even if it wasn’t permanent. I felt such a release from my responsibilities.
During my life I often felt fearful and alone. As I lay in my hospital bed with the curtains all around, I felt safe and not alone.
"What the heck!", I said to myself. Is this what has to happen to give me some relief from all my responsibilities?
It was a good trial run for my family. Tom and Gloria did learn more about coping. They are working through their worry of my death. I am grateful that I’m still here to help support that process.
For my part, I don’t feel I need to reenact the death scene as it happened on retreat. I don’t need to be berate myself for my lack of courage. When a similar opportunity presented itself in a critical situation, I was able to cope with it very well.
I’m doing a lot of learning from this near- death experience. I am feeling more resilient. Death will happen to me, as it does for all of us.
Until that time, I will continue to be grateful, surrender to what is and feel the love that surrounds me.
Mary Hatch attended her first Callanish retreat 26 years ago, later attending alumni, writing and ceremony retreats. Mary has participated in art, writing, meditation, retreat days and other offerings at Callanish, growing in self-awareness and empathy for others.