by Andrea Coulter
On the eve of the Team Callanish cycling fundraiser from Vancouver to Whistler last September 2024, I learned that I had a second breast cancer diagnosis.
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It was a new primary in the contralateral breast, fortunately caught early. From what the doctors shared, and compared to my initial diagnosis six years prior, this cancer seemed less concerning. And so I approached it that way, at least initially. I took it in stride as a minor health issue, perhaps a chronic health issue. I wasn’t going to let it take me down, spiraling down into a bottomless pit of despair like I had the first time, and taking my young family down that path again.
However, one surgery turned into two, and radiation and hormone therapy were added for good measure. One small complication led to others and I inevitably began to unravel, even if to a lesser degree than six years ago. I simply couldn’t muscle my way through without it breaking my stride. Flashbacks of hovering on the edge of mortality came flooding back as I went through acute stages of pain and fatigue. The uneasiness and the torrent of emotions I thought I was already well acquainted with eventually gripped me: panic, fear, anxiety, grief, and loss. Despite my desire to resist, cancer again had altered me physically, emotionally and existentially. I had to let cancer break me open again.
As I reflect on this past year, I can say that my second cancer has served as a poignant reminder of how precious life is. It has forced me to reflect on my ongoing goals and purpose and to take steps toward meaningful life changes in support of my health and future aspirations. Perhaps most importantly though, it prompted me to develop more comfort with uncertainty, to lean into the unknown and live the questions now in order to ‘live everything,’ as the late poet Rainer Maria Rilke famously quoted.
For me, this translates to living with the possibility of cancer returning and not letting it paralyze me. It means taking small and giant leaps of faith, working through old familiar patterns that no longer serve me, and forging new ways of being and living so that I can make the most out of life, however long or short the horizon. As a small example, this summer I faced my fear of flying, which ultimately led to an unforgettable trip with my family.
Andrea Coulter attended a Callanish retreat in 2019 and has continued to be involved in the Callanish community since, including as a volunteer on retreat.