by John Swanson
It seems that I have an enduring relationship with cancer.
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My father died at 40 of Hodgkin’s lymphoma, a blood cancer now considered curable.
At 21 I was diagnosed with cancer of the thyroid, caused by a mistaken X-ray treatment of the thymus gland to prevent crib death (about 30% of babies who had this treatment experienced thyroid cancer later in life). I had radical neck surgery and am considered cured.
In June of 2021 I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, an incurable blood cancer. I had been monitored since 2014 when a blood marker showed up that predicted this, so I am fortunate the disease was caught early and so far, no bone or organ damage has been detected.
I am now on my second round of chemo. The first lasted 40 weeks, followed by a year and a half hiatus in treatment. The first round was mostly tolerable until severe nerve pain became a daily companion and I found it very difficult to sleep.
This current regime will likely continue for the rest of my life, or until it stops working – then I will graduate to a different treatment. This treatment, so far, has resulted in an angry red rash that covers most of my body, and is extremely itchy. My hematologist is devising a change in medication that she hopes will get rid of the rash.
Some days, when the itch has subsided and I have slept well, I feel like I can happily lead this life for as long as I have. Other days, when the discomfort is really intense, I feel disheartened.
I am a poet and street photographer and in 2019 had a book published, an almost hand, beckoning - poetry and street photography from Vancouver and Paris. I notice that I have written very little since my diagnosis, although this coming week I will be attending a residential poetry workshop, and I hope this will restart my writing. I am a member of a street photography salon in New York, and just this weekend I let go of a photography project from the salon without finishing it.
I feel like I stay curious and engaged with the world. Although I have not been prone to depression for most of my adult life, now I have mood swings, especially in response to dexamethasone, one of my chemo meds. Sometimes I feel very low; sometimes anger is close to the surface, although I don’t act it out. In general, I am grateful for this life – gratitude is a theme now. I am especially grateful for my 50+ year relationship with my wife Susan, with whom I can share all of this, and for Callanish, where I can “come as I am.” And grateful for my friends, some of whom I can share this with.
This is the reality of my life right now.
John Swanson was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma in June 2021 and joined Callanish in September of that year, then attended a Callanish retreat in November 2021. He is a regular participant in the Monday Callanish meditations, and is grateful for the support of Callanish during this journey.