by Mary Hatch
John O’Donohue talks about death being with us as we take our first breath. It travels with us until we breathe our last breath.
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Grief is like that, too. It is a partner of love.
When you love very strongly, you give every part of your being. You can’t imagine life any other way. When my husband died suddenly, I was devastated. There was an uncomfortable feeling in my solar plexus, like a large stone had taken up residence there. It hurt. I hurt. All my sleepless nights and never-ending tears brought him back. My world had ended.
I attended a grief support group. I learned about the stages of grief. I discovered how to take care of myself. I had to go through the experience before I could heal – no shortcuts.
I had a calendar. People would phone me and set up a time to visit or invite us out. I started taking my children to a playgroup. Gradually my calendar was filling up with events to go to. I was moving forward, propelled along by life. After a while I began to have faith that my friends and family had not forgotten me and my children. I needed this lifeline, this map into my unknown future.
People did not need to give me advice or their wise wisdom. They just needed to be there for me and just listen. I say just listen. However, that meant everything. Listening was everything. Looking into my eyes with love and giving me a hug was the best medicine I could receive. It helped to heal my broken heart and wounded spirit.
I remember the warm hugs and feeling of belonging in my community. I mattered; my children mattered. Even though I felt that my life was over I had to keep going for my children’s sake. Much later, I realized that I had to complete my life journey for my own sake. I owed it to myself to love myself enough that I would choose to live the best life that I could. The skills I learned about self-care during grief were instrumental in assisting me when I was twice diagnosed with cancer.
It is true that each time we open to love we are subject to the pain if we lose that love. I am so grateful for the outstretched arms and listening ears, as I have travelled along the path of life. In my grief, and during my cancer diagnoses, I learned to trust and accept love and help from others. That has made all the difference.
Mary Hatch is a retired primary teacher and mother of two young adults. She became a member of the Callanish community 22 years ago, after her 2nd diagnosis with cancer. The Callanish writing program has helped Mary to grow and learn and become a more thoughtful person.