by Claire Talbot
Can I take care of fear? Will I?
The idea of loving fear seems preposterous. How could I love the feeling that shatters my mind and turns my gut into a churning pit? It comes as I feel I am walking through a field of landmines- how could I not be afraid?
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But I wish I was braver, so I push away the fear. I criticize it, and me for falling prey to it. It grows so large, encompassing everything. I can hardly breathe.
I blame it for my feeling of helplessness. Without it I could do better, be in control, make things right, solve the problem, make it go away and never come back.
I want to be like others, some who seem to have no fear and are not intimidated by new and difficult problems.
So, could I take care of fear? Love fear? Welcome fear?
Could I give her a pronoun- make her human, feminine, a child? To be understood and nurtured?
As if I am like a mother to whom this comes naturally.
The she would be young and smaller than me. Not the looming monster ready to jump on me and everything I love. I will try it. Even the thought creates a warmth and openness in my belly.. The churning eases, my shoulders remember how to relax. I can breathe.
And how is fear? She is fresh and ready to laugh, learn, love.
She becomes a part of me- we belong together. And together we have a backbone. A sturdiness that makes it possible to stand, to walk, to reach out, to embrace.
I love fear.
Claire Talbot is a palliative care doctor who came to Callanish 15 years ago as a dishwasher on retreats. This is still one of her favorite activities and she can’t wait for retreats to happen again.