by Lana Groves
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Blessing in the Chaos
by Jan Richardson
To all that is chaotic in you,
let there come silence.
Let there be
a calming
of the clamoring,
a stilling
of the voices that
have laid their claim
on you,
that have made their
home in you,
that go with you
even to the
holy places
but will not
let you rest,
will not let you
hear your life
with wholeness
or feel the grace
that fashioned you.
Let what distracts you
cease.
Let what divides you
cease.
Let there come an end
to what diminishes
and demeans,
and let depart
all that keeps you
in its cage.
Let there be
an opening
into the quiet
that lies beneath
the chaos,
where you find
the peace
you did not think
possible
and see what shimmers
within the storm.
Reading the poem Blessing in the Chaos by Jan Richardson made me realize that the older I get the more I see my life as a story. A whole story. Until recently I focused a lot of energy on the chaos. Each little event consumed me. I had to solve dilemmas and fix issues before I could relax.
This week I spent many days going through old photos in my storage locker and sorting them by four sibling families who live in Ontario. I then took photos of the prints and created google digital photo albums for each family. It took a long time but it felt great to have it organized. The feedback from three siblings was amazing. They were thrilled and very grateful. I had given them something they really appreciated.
My older sister communicates only with me in the family and only because her daughter lives in Vancouver and is friends with my daughter. I hoped she’d be happy to receive the album with photos of her kids when they were young but she didn’t reply.
I emailed her and asked if she would allow our other siblings to view her album. They had shared theirs and wanted to see hers. She didn’t answer so I emailed again the next day and said, “please let us know if you are ok sharing”. Her short response said “sharing ok.”
In the past, I would have asked her what was wrong in case I had said or done something that upset her. Questioning her coldness always ended in anger or guilt. Strangely, this time, I just saw her coldness as part of my wholeness and I felt no need to investigate or fix the distance between us. I wasn’t even curious. I was calm in the eye of the storm.
Instead of shifting the fun of seeing the rest of the family happy to worrying about my older sister’s mood, I began to see my life in chunks … shitty childhood, shitty marriage, dead kid, cancer. Now I see my life in wholeness and it’s not a bad story.
Maybe coming to the final chapter of my life makes it easier to accept that some parts of my story aren’t going to change. I don’t have to fix anything. Each day has a new beauty to add to a pretty nice life.
As Richardson says so beautifully:
I will let there be a calming of the clamouring.
A stilling of the voices that have laid their claim on me.
And for the first time in my life I am beginning to feel the grace that fashioned me.
Lana Groves came to Callanish as a participant back in 2015, and has been attending Meditation and The Writing Group ever since. She loves the wisdom and kindness of others who attend Callanish circles. Callanish helps deal with the many losses of a cancer diagnosis but the most stunning change for Lana has been the help dealing with the loss of her son.