by Cindy Thomas
“No more. I’m done.”
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Recently, when I get really scared of a
recurrence of cancer, I courageously
allow these words to bubble up:
“No more. I’m done.”
It feels liberating. However, today, Jack Kornfield is telling me, ‘But that’s not freedom – that’s armor.’
As I ponder, these words, I think they help me to get in touch with my own inner monster. She does not look big and ugly, deformed, or scary. She’s quite inconspicuous. I think she morphs and sometimes convinces herself that she’s protecting me.
But what this inner monster is good at is scaring me. Perhaps the fuel of my fear is what keeps her going, giving her a raison d’être. I know really well what fear feels like in my body. To that, I would like to say:
“Enough. No more!”
Especially when this inner monster of mine gets out of hand.
But one day it will stumble up the walk and knock. Knock hard. And I will have to answer the door. Will I answer the door and look her softly in the eyes? Will I put my hand on her and say,
“Honey, I’ve been waiting to meet you face-to-face. Please come in.
Mi casa es tu casa. I think we have some stories to share.
Do you want a hug?”
Cindy Thomas after being diagnosed with lung cancer, in 2022, attended her first Callanish retreat in May 2023. She especially treasures, Callanish Writes, where she finds the freedom to put pen to paper, express herself honestly, and write without judgement.