by Caroline Burgess
I love musical theatre. Growing up in England, my parents took me to the local theatre every month for the latest production. I never had the acting or dancing bug, but the idea of singing a great song really appealed to me. I took music lessons and sang in a choir, but as I aged my ‘inner critic’ kicked in, and I started to compare my voice and my musical ability to those around me. The perfectionist in me told me I was not as good as other people, or that I sounded off key, and eventually the inner critic won out. Music and singing were left behind for more academic pursuits.
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When I received my cancer diagnosis in 2022, I wanted to find ways to support my mental health. Unlocking my creative side was one of the goals that I set for myself, but my ‘inner critic’ was still tapping on my shoulder telling me it was a waste of time. However, having an incurable cancer made me realize if I was going to explore my creative side, I needed to get on and do it.
In May 2024, I attended a Callanish Retreat, which was amazing. One of the sessions offered was music therapy, and I knew this was something I needed to do. When I met with Maryliz, the retreat musician, she asked me what I wanted to do. I told her that I wanted to sing out loud without feeling I was being judged or that I was judging myself. We started with vocal exercises and as we went up the scale, I felt a sense of joy run through me. Something inside me was letting go.
We then began with a few lines of a song that I really love, John Denver’s Sunshine on my Shoulders. The lyrics and the melody are fairly simple, but it’s beautiful and you can tell it was written from the heart. I remember seeing him in concert when I was about twelve years old and being riveted to him and his acoustic guitar, alone on the stage, for two hours.
Reflecting on the music session later in the day, I realized how much of myself I had held back over the years due to my inner critic. The following day I found a piece of driftwood, wrote inner critic on it and flung it headlong into Brew Creek. This symbolic act of letting go sure felt good. Maryliz had been so encouraging during the retreat that I took the plunge and signed up for some voice lessons when I got home. I have had so much fun singing different types of songs which offer me a different way of expressing my emotions; a sad song if I am feeling mellow or something brighter when I feel more upbeat.
I have now set myself another goal. I want to record a song that can be played at my Celebration of Life, whether that be in one, three, or five years’ time. This may sound strange, but it’s important for me to show that cancer did not stop me living my life. Music, as therapy keeps me going and brings joy into a place of uncertainty.
Below you will find a perfectly imperfect recording of me singing a couple of lines of the John Denver song accompanied on piano by Maryliz. Please note that this is a small part of the process of me connecting with my unique voice (which we all have). It has “wibbles and wobbles”, but that is ok. It is not a full song but a moment in time where I could celebrate letting go and being ok with how it sounds.
Thank you, Maryliz, and the Callanish team for all your support and inspiring me to embrace life to its fullest.
Caroline Burgess was first introduced to Callanish through the meditation circle and counselling programs. She was a retreat participant in May 2024 and is well, and truly “Callanished”. She chose to name her blog post “Orange Colored Sky” after a catchy jazz tune she is working on that brings her a sense of fun and joy.