by Nellie Yee
Five years ago, in the midst of cancer treatment and struggling with a concussion, I wanted more than anything to return to my job, to ride my bike to work, to be able to drive my kids to their circus and triathlon lessons..
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The divide between what I wanted to do and what I could manage was enormous. I felt like an outcast from the only life I had known. No one prays to be left behind, to live an incomprehensible life, to live clearly in the realm of uncertainty.
This is when my relationship to my own life changed. The unrelenting fatigue, the headaches, and the mental slowness were so great that I just wanted to know how to survive. Not how to overcome it all, or fight through it, but how to suffer less, how to feel joy and a sense of purpose, if that were even possible. I found that meditation helped, and so did attending Callanish groups. I learned the value of sitting in the quiet, how to observe, how to listen. I found that I did not like the internal harsh critical voice chattering incessantly, I craved gentleness and loving attention. I realized that I could carry hope in a different way, and it could feel safe. I hoped for more kindness in my life, to be able to love more actively and fiercely, to find deeper meaning that would sustain my daily efforts.
Perhaps the direct route is not always the quickest or easiest way. My recovery has been slow and meandering, with some steps forwards and many backwards. It’s still ongoing. If I can’t make it back to my previous life, then I will go another route, maybe another destination even. I will start here, where I find myself, in this liminal space between health and illness. It’s a surprisingly large space, where I can stretch, grow, and try new things. Incredibly, this is where I have found the deepest love for the world and for myself.
Nellie Yee is a past Callanish retreat participant and volunteer. There are many aspects of the Callanish community that she loves especially the creative arts circle, the writing circle and the younger adults circle. She can currently be found in her garden, planting new seeds and picking out slugs.